OK

My daughter explained to me in not too patient syllables that if I want responses I have to blog. Yeah Yeah Yeah. I understand that. She says if I want a following I have to blog consistently. Yeah Yeah Yeah. I understand that, too. The mind isn't willing, the body is weak, and the time just isn't working out too great. She doesn't understand that I'd rather play yahtzee with my husband than sit alone pouring out my hopes and dreams to a computer generated image. It's work, this writing. I know, I used to do it for a living - briefly, very briefly. And maybe that's where my problem hides itself. I used to do it for a living. I also used to do it for fun. Only, it wasn't. It was always hard work and I quickly (okay, not so quickly - ten years) came to the conclusion that I'm not all that good at it. Actually, my daughter is ten or maybe even fifteen times better at the written word then I'll ever be. She expresses herself well and eloquently. There seems to be something strangled in my soul. My expression, my ability to express myself, is glued inside this container that's welded shut. Has been since I was very young. I am not eloquent, not nearly as eloquent as I'd like to be. On occasion I can be humorous, sometimes downright funny, but those are rare occasions. Then there's this mourning thing. Six funerals in the last year and a half have left me speechless, grieving, and out and out bewildered. I cannot seem to function normally. I get moments of intense grief where I cannot even cry. I simply shut down. Then there's times when all I can do is cry. I realize this is an evolving process but I don't care. I don't like feeling like this. It's an isolating, demoralizing, depressing experience. Last but not least there's the glass. When I finally lift myself out of the funk, I find I'd rather do glass than write. For years and years and years, all I wanted to do was write a book that would sell. Then I started my journey down a different path. I discovered I could do stained glass. Where stories whirled through my brain, now patterns of light and color abide. To draw, to cut, to grind, to foil, to solder, to polish, to finally sign my name to a piece that I know will reside, someday, in someone else's possession has become a dream I can and have achieved. To create beauty from beauty makes me feel divine. Not in a God sense, no, more like a permanent legacy sense. I leave God to his own creating. I cannot compete and I'm human enough to realize I really don't want to compete. But God has given me divine inspiration and I've taken off in flight with it. I fuss over it - the glass. When I'm done I'm proud but not ever satisfied. Ideas pop in and out of my head. Sometimes I write them down to create later. Sometimes I'll forget about them, then suddenly they reappear a couple of years later. I'm humbled that someone would actually enjoy owning one of my pieces. I wish I could see it as a business but I really see it as a calling. And all that interferes with sitting down at the computer and blogging. So if someone stops by to read occasionally, please be aware that I'll stop by and write occasionally. But it will be an inconsistent kind of thing. Either I'll be off cleaning house, or working full time, or spending time with my kids and grandkid, or doing glass, and occasionally sitting somewhere crying. Give me a look see occasionally but please don't be mad when it's inconsistent. Life intrudes, and occasionally, the outside swing calls for me to sit on a nice day and contemplate my life, look at my growing things, and just enjoy being. Wishing you all bright blessings. The runelady.

Unexpected

My mother died July 5. It is now November 5. I haven't blogged in forever because it's been hard to connect two thoughts together. My family is hurting and there is no denying it. Now my mother-in-law is having hallucinations, hearing voices and going through the horrible steps of dementia. It doesn't seem to end.

On top of all of this I have started the craft show circuit. I do only three a year. The first was a major disappointment sales wise. I think it was a combination of being stuck in a corner with only one table and horribly low attendance because the sun was shining and folks wanted to catch that last nice day for yard work.

Yesterday was the second show. The attendance was better. At the start, I was fine. Honest. Got the tables set up, got everything out and it looked great. Sat down to enjoy the crowd. Then a man from the church started off with this hokey Christmas music. I was fine. Then he started singing "I'll be home for Christmas". It was my mom's favorite Chgristmas song. I started to cry and I couldn't stop. I went into the bathroom and stood weeping while he finished the song. My mom was emotionally ill and we had a lousy relationship. Christmas was her favorite holiday, yet she handled it badly most years. Holidays were the time when her hallucinations were stronger and her mood was harshest. I stood in that bathroom with tears pouring down my face wondering what in hell was wrong with me. Although my mom and I clashed at every moment, I still miss her. She is no longer on this planet and I still have that twinge of guilt niggling at me. That little niggle of guilt that my very existence contributed to her discontent and unhappiness. And Christmas music makes it worse. Always has.

Life changes. It is ever changing. And yet, it stays the same. And sometimes it's a good thing. And sometimes it's a sucky thing. I'm hoping the last craft show isn't as hard as yesterday's was.

The good news is sales were better than the last craft show. The table as a whole didn't do great but we didn't crap out either.

And more good news is my sister finished her last radiaton therapy for breast cancer. She had a lumpechtomy (spelling iffy here) then 36 radiation treatments. When I call her and ask how she is, her reply is nearly always the same... "A crispy critter" is how she replies. We're hoping this is the end of it for her and that she heals and can get on with life.

The sucky things are winning dammit, and I'm tired of them.

Wishing you bright blessings.

Garden of Life

I have wild vines running rampant through my back garden. Some of them are morning glory vines. They have wrapped themselves around everything and almost killed a favorite early blooming azaelia. Last year, after Alex died, I didn't care about anything - gardening, glass, nothing. I allowed the vines to run rampant and this year I almost lost everything in the garden. I came close to losing everything in life too. I lost another grandson, Travis, and have contemplated letting the vines run rampant again this year. But.... I didn't get any blooming irises and almost lost my roses and I don't want to lose my life. So, with clippers in hand, I will eradicate as much of the vines as possible and try to keep diligent in saving what's left - of my garden and my life. I will try the best I know how. I'm not sure if I care if I succeed, yet, but I don't want to lose my options.

My mother is dying. She's going inch by painful inch. It is leaving scars upon the heart of my sister who has volunteered, in her own brave way, to watch and care for my mom. Another vine, another life. My mother's life has been full of hardship and I can't say she handled it well. Her leaving is hard also. May she find peace at the end of this rocky road, and a vine free garden to dwell in.

I have learned

I have learned....

Life is short, even when you're 88. My mother has 6 mos. to a year to live. She has stage 3 dementia and has been having strokes. She has brain damage and she no longer can swallow comfortably. The doctor wanted to put in a feeding tube. We won't/can't allow that. She pulled constantly at a brace when she broke her arm, I can imagine the havoc if she pulled a feeding tube out. The doctor's solution was to keep her drugged. I have learned that life at any cost is not life - it is just painful existence.

Hopes and dreams can be crushed in an instant. The loss of my two grandsons proved that.

Joy can come in small, energetic packages. We spent last evening with my living grandson, Sam, who celebrated his fourth birthday. He played and laughed and giggled and energized my heart and soul.

That love is unending and boundless. My daughter who has been devastated by the loss of two sons had the endless love to hug me and ask how I was. She gave me a gift of comfort that I am so grateful for.

That life, although uncertain, is still worth living.

Wishing you all bright blessings.

May

May is almost over. It started out full of promise.

How naive I was to talk of summer daffodils in April. April brought the death of a friend, farmer Ted. It brought the death of my brother-in-law Tom who suffered with lung and liver cancer.
May began with promise but then brought the death of my third grandson, Travis Leo. My daughter was four and a half months pregnant and Travis just...died. She delivered him May 8 and we buried him with his brother, Alex May 12.

To begin with, it is inconceivable to me that my daughter has three sons, but that two would be deceased boggles my mind. My daughter is the best mother I have ever seen. Why fate denies her bringiing up good people in this weary world is beyond me. I don't understand and I don't think there is any logical reason to justify her and my son-in-law's pain and anguish. I cry but tears cannot wash away pain and sorrow and the unbearable anger at the total unfairness of these tragedies. I don't want to plant flowers on graves. I want to hold laughing children in my arms. I want to hear my daughter laugh without the underlying fear of more pain. I wanted so much for my children and have since discovered that although I raised them and sent them out into the world with educations, my preparations were pitifully inadequate. We, as humans, take so much for granted.

It's gonna snow - oh no - not snow!!!!

My daffodils are bloomin so it's gonna snow. Isn't it the tale that it has to snow on the daffodils three times before winter is officially over???? Sigh. I hope not. But maybe I'll pick a daffy and take it to work. hmmmm

My begonias are really taking off now - and I have eight now. Yeah Rah!!!

I planted caladiums but it's wayyy too soon to tell if they're going to grow. I'm so excited -I also found hyacinths in the garden, I can hardly wait. Maybe I'll buy some summer daffodils - they look exciting.

BooHiss/Hurrah

This whole blog is about personal opinion - mine. I'm calling it BooHiss/Hurrah.

BooHiss - to the expert who refuses to testify that my daughter's former doctor was incompetent, arrogant, and negligent. There will be no lawsuit thus no justice for baby Alex. I pray God is keeping score because no one on this planet is willing to score that doctor in the negative numbers in public.

Hurrah - I have more growing things. LOTS more growing things

BooHiss - I killed my cactus - poor baby is wilting as I write this. Sigh

Hurrah - I hear peepers, lots and lots of chirping tree froggies to celebrate the warmer wetter weather.

BooHiss - to a religion who passes on a death sentence to anyone who leaves a belief they had the misfortune to be born to not chosen.

Hurrah - to the silence of Friday. I work with someone who just can't shut up and feels it necessary to say my name repeatedly until I am forced to answer then she has nothing to say but "am I annoying you, huh? huh? huh? huh? huh? huh? - this conversation ACTUALLY took place. My head wants to explode by Friday because she's worn my nerves to a frazzle. The blessed peace of Friday is upon me at last.

BooHiss - my mom fractured her arm.

Hurrah - my mom doesn't need surgery - taping her fractured arm is all she needs. According to my sister, my mom says she is feeling no pain.

BooHiss - my work schedule has increased again this month.

Hurrah - I have two days off before Easter to go home to visit my mom.

BooHiss - I have no one to water my little growing things while I'm gone for four days and they so will need daily moisturizing.

Hurrah - the time change will be this weekend thus more daylight in the evening after I get off work.

Hurrah - Hurrah - Hurrah - my wonderful daughter has posted pictures of my little green growing things below. Thank you - Thank you - Thank you - my darling daughter.

Green Things

And then again....

I edited the below post about the stained glass so it would read the picture below it. Sigh. I will get this right, I hope.

Today I showed someone a picture of each of my grandsons. He said something about how sad when he saw my Alex's picture - the still born grandson. At that moment I thought something somewhat brutal and then I said it. I told the man that it was sad but that Alex would/could have been alive today. His death was preventable and that little niggle of hate made its way to my voice. Hate for the fact that my grandson is dead and the woman responsible is still practicing medicine and that fact is an abomination to me.

It's snowing today and it's supposed to snow tomorrow. Welcome to spring in the snowbelt. Bah Humbug. Thank goodness for my little growing things - hope for warmth springs eternal I guess.

The Picture

The picture below is an original design I've done in glass. I'm thinking of doing another with morning glories (in blue). And perhaps a pot of oxalis or shamrocks. And my favorite - climbing roses . Hmm, we'll have to see. Coming soon to a blog near you - more pictures of projects in the works.

I have green things and more and more are sprouting up. I can't wait until they are tall enough to take a decent picture.

Second try

Okay, here's the second try for a picture posting.

Oh My God My Daughter Is A Blog Genius. She figured out what to do to post my pictures. Thanks Kid It Worked. Yeah Rah Cath!!!!

Happy Friday.

This is a test

This is a test to see if I can add a picture. Well, here goes....this is not working and I don't know why - hmmmm

Growing Green Thingies

I have growing green things, I have growing green things, I have growing green things - only not nearly as many green things as I planted but all in good time, I think. For now, I'm excited about these little green thingies. :o)

I have been listing all that I need to make. I think I need to start drawing/cutting/gringing/foiling/soldering. Time's awastin. Once I figure out how to post pictures, I'll have the hubby take them and I'll post them myself. Seems my blog page helper(my kid) had a hard time with the pics I had the hubby email to her. So the solution is to avoid the email and learn to do it myself.

I can't wait to go bulb looking and perennial looking. I've got spring fever and it's really getting to me to try to weed/plant/grow/mulch. I'll take two tylenol and hope it goes away. Looks like I have a LOT of work ahead of me. Sigh

Happy St. Patrick's Day

The corned beef is slow cooking with potatoes and carrots and I can hardly wait. Happy St. Patrick's Day to my son-in-law Steve who is so Irish he should be a green shamrock!!!

Which makes my grandson half Polish and half Irish. Now what a combination is that???

Today I received a mystery gift. Someone sent me a $20 gift card from Dick's Sporting Goods. Neither I nor my husband have any idea why or who or where the card came from but the envelope was addressed to me from Archway Marketing. hmmmmmm

Today my poor hubby is gimpy. His gout is acting up and he's taking ibuprofen and limping a lot, poor baby.

TGIF * TGIF * TGIF * TGIF * TGIF * TGIF * TGIF * TGIF

No ringing phones, no blathering co-workers, no complaining. YEAH!!!

Short

This will be very very short because it's thundering and lightening and I'm nervous and superstitious about computers and storms. (okay, breathing now)

Today wasn't so bad. MOndays at my place of employment are usually nightmares because I work in a doctor's office and everyone and anyone wants to see a doctor after waiting three weeks and a weekend of being sick. But today wasn't so bad. I left the office in relatively nice order and got out only a half hour later than I should.

I can't be too unhappy about the upcoming weather since I had three warm days and two days of listening to peepers but oh, it's so hard to anticipate an entire week of snow again. sigh

Shoz bot!!!!

Snowdrops

Peepers

Tonight I heard the first peepers - tree frogs. It was awesome. It was warm, foggy, and wet - perfect for peepers. The only sad thing is they were way off. I think this year I won't hear peepers on our property because of a home going up this summer behind us. Tree frogs migrate away from noise and it will take a couple of years for them to return to our back yard and woods. Ah well, at least I can hear them far off.

Tonight I planted coleus and tomatoes. Now we'll see if I can get the little green things to grow.

Plants

Today I planted begonias - sadly some did not survive. Ah well, lesson well learned. I also planted foxglove, lupine, columbine, hollyhock, gallardia, daisies, flax, poppy, and some I can't pronounce or spell. LOL Well see what kinds of seedlings I get. I need to buy a few more flats so I can start some coleus. We'll see what kinds of seedlings I get. They were off to a rough start. I prepared the flat with soil then promptly dropped the bugger all over the basement laundry room. Soooo, I swept it all up, rescued what I could, and filled it up again. Then I planted the seeds. Luckily I hadn't planted it before I dropped it. Sheesh.

It was 60 degrees today and absolutely beautiful. I really enjoyed the day. I also got a little laundry done and my dishes washed. Then I washed goblets to prepare them for foiling and soldering. Now I have to start making up patters in my head. That has to be the hardest part of it all. The rest is just mechanical, methodical, grunt work.

Forgot to get the hubby to take the snow drop pics. I discovered the ones I spread about did survive and are now up. Soon they will spread. I have a lot of stuff to clean out of the garden in back and the flower beds. Lots of work ahead in the oncoming spring days. Supposed to snow this week so I probably won't get any of that done until later in the month.

A taste of Spring

Tomorrow I plant a few seeds and I'm so excited. I'm also going to order some seeds from Parks Seeds.

My snowdrops are just blooming beautifully. Hoping to get hubby to take pic and send it to my kid who will post the pic on this blog - hint hint hint.

The daffodils are coming up and spring is in the air - as is snow for the end of this week. LOL Sixty degrees tomorrow and thirty two degrees predicted for Thursday. Spring in this part of Ohio is Always a surprise. LOL

The best part of today - I get to go to sleep knowing I don't have to go to work tomorrow. Yeah Rah Me!!!

Three in a Row!!!

Three posts in a row!!! !Wow! I'm not promising I'll keep this up but I do promise to post more often then (than?) once a month.

My tuberous begonias are already sprouting so I think I'm going to plant my planters and keep them in front of the family room sliding glass door so they get enough light. I may even turn on a few florescents in the area. We'll see. I wish I had marked each begonia as I planted it because now I can't tell the hanging ones from the others - although I believe the smaller sized ones may be the hanging begonias.

Today I got my teeth cleaned, bought some lounging jammies at the dollar store and a couple of goblets, then more or less loafed. It was a nice afternoon and evening.

I see they threw off the tall girl on American Idol. I haven't watched much so don't know just how good she was. Bo Bice was on as a guest - the boy needs some work ... maybe a coach. Ah well.

Tomorrow is Friday. TGIF!!!!

Stained Glass & Naps

I got home from work and lay down on the couch. My eyes popped open and my brain nagged me. I got up, took my foiled and pinned stained glass letter downstairs, soldered it, washed it, brought it upstairs, polished it, took it downstairs and signed it, then brought it back upstairs to glue a crystal on and box it. I wrote up my sales slip. I now feel I've defied this tired state of affairs and actually got something done. And it feels good. And it gave me a really great idea for things for the medieval faire for this summer. Yeah me!!!
You see, illuminated letters are really tough to sell unless it's a special order. That's hard to get from one example. But I now have come up with something highly saleable, different, and easy to do. Yeah Me even more!!!
I found my tuberous begonias are beginning to sprout. I now have lights. This Saturday I will plant them in individual small pots and see what I can get. I can hardly wait.

expectations

I'm supposed to blog every day. It's supposed to be fun. NOT!!! I'm 57 years old and I work hard all day and the last thing, the very last thing, I want to do is think, type, edit, sound coherant. So, I'm guilty of not blogging every day. I think about it but sit down on the couch and fall fast asleep. But tonight I thought I'd take a minute to say how very sad it is that Christopher Reeves wife died of cancer. Their child is an orphan and he must be feeling very vulnerable and alone at this moment. Nothing can bring his folks back and I'm hoping he can make it through this very very rough time. WE all need to remember how vulnerable we are to death and who we will leave behind.

My hubby put up a light on a shelf and now I can start seedlings. When I get a moment of energy. I confess I can hardly wait to see if I might succeed where I so often fail. I'm hoping to have pics in a few weeks of growiing little green things. :0)

They say time flies when you're having fun. Well, maybe so, I have yet to try that fun thingy. Time is flying and I'm having trouble keeping everything within reach. My enthusiasm for life and my projects far outrun my energy. I don't feel old. I feel tired. Now, I have just finished a seven day course of antibiotics for a sinus infection that I though would pop my eyeballs right out of my head, so maybe tired is just the backlash. I'll let you know when I post the pics of the little green growiing things. LOL

movie critique

My husband and I went out for dinner on Friday. We stopped at a local grocery that has a video rental attached and we rented two movies. Watched Star Wars, Revenge of the Sith. BOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIING. AND BAD!!!! AND the lousiest acting I've seen in like forever!!!!!!! The ending was CHEESY.

First let us review the total lack of emotion (actually the only emotion I saw was from Yoda and his face doesn't change but it was there in his voice). Nothing was believable. Nothing. The bad guy pleading for his life, then killing the good Jedi - blech. Bad acting, not believable. Of course the other Jedi is standing there with is finger up his nose - not literally but if it were it would have been better than what was presented. Supposedly he would do anything to save his wife - and says it like he's ordering a glass of water. Then the bad guy sends him off to the Jedi Temple - at least they didn't show him killing the children. Oh, wait. They call them the younglings. I suppose that's to make it less horrendous. Then Obi Kanobe describes it like the bad Jedi took a walk in the park and pissed on a tree in public. I get more emotion from the grapefruit sitting on my counter.

The ending was absolutely priceless. Here's this little thing of a woman who dies because she has no will to live because her Jedi husband has turned to the dark side. OH MY GOD! Talk about your stereotypical little woman syndrome. Now mind you, this is the same woman who can weild a light saber in the previous movie killing clones right and left, not to mention going behind enemy lines for the sake of her country!!!! Give me a freakin break!!! Had they turned this woman into a warm pile of cow manure, it would have been more believable than the role they gave her in this movie.

Then this same woman supposedly delivers TWINS - did I mention that just before this she trots out of a space ship and skips down the ramp. Yeah, that's freakin believable. The twins they pop out of her aren't this little teenee weenee babies - heck no. They both look around 7 or 8 pounds. To all the women in the world who have had even tiny babies, does the word waddle have any meaning????? They've got her on this table, about to deliver, and this mound looks like she's got a freaking mosquito bite on her belly.

By the time this movie was over I was silently cheering for the doggone Sith. And as bad guys, they were about as effective as limp spaghetti. I will tell you this - it's a good thing they showed the first three movies of Star Wars first because if they'd used this movie as a jump-off point to others, there would have been a dirth of movie goers.

Flaws

I made my daughter an angel to wear on her coat. A ribbon angel representing our grandson Alex who died three weeks before he was to be born. It is a loss I grieve over every single day since that awful call May 9 when Catherine tearfully told me they couldn't find a heartbeat when she went in for her routine check-up. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Alex or Sam, my living grandson. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder why my child, why did she have to suffer such awful pain. Why Steve and Sam had to suffer such a loss. I knew deep inside there were flaws in life. Watching my mother dwindle with dementia, and suffering all her life with emotional illness. Those were flaws I grew up with, yet, I've learned I wasn't adequately prepared for the flaws in life. Or maybe there just isn't any preparation. The design on the angel is flawed. It doesn't have adequate support in a place that was bumped and the ribbon came apart from the soldered foil. I've racked my brain trying to figure out how to design some support at that joint in the glass and I've come up with no sensible solution yet. I've racked my brain trying to come up with coping mechanisms to deal with the terrible loss of Alex. I haven't come up with a solution for that either. I've racked my brain to find a way to ease the pain that my daughter, son-in-law, and grandson are all suffering. No solution there either. I have learned one thing and one thing only: the older you get, the more complicated the flaws and the faster they come at you. I was never a quick thinker and I'm getting pretty bogged down in flaws. But I'm fixing that glass angel pin if it's the last freakin thing I do.

Lights

My daughter made me this awesome shawl. It's almost big enough to be a throw and I've used it as a throw. It's a gorgeous deep blue variegating into light blue (or gray, can't tell). It's warm and soft and brings me such comfort. Thanks daughter.

Christmas is done, New Year's is done, and we all return to those everyday dull routines. All the decorations have been put away except for the base to the train set up. All the twinkle lights are gone and it's dull, dull, dull. Even my hubby said it's dark without the Christmas tree lights. I'd love to find a stick tree or an artificial ficus, put white twinkle lights on it and stick it in the dark corner. Flip of a switch and twinkle lights appear. That would be cool. Perhaps some day.

It rained and all the snow is gone. Today was gray and gloomy. I worked half a day so I might have the holiday off this Friday. Traveling home to the parents digs on Thursday. Wish I could say it's a happily anticipated trip but unfortunately, it isn't.

My mother's dimentia is progressing so rapidly she may be a danger to herself. I'm hoping to convince my sister to get a visiting nurse in or a caretaker. My brother-in-law takes very good care of my folks but my mother needs someone who can professionally assess her. Someone with a nursing background. Eventually my mother will need 24 hour care and that requires a nursing assessment. Needless to say, our trip home is not going to be the happy reunion that it once was, long ago.