Life

I'm depressed.

I've had to watch my eldest daughter go through one of the most horrendous experiences to ever happen to a woman, the loss of a baby. I sat and watched as she went through labor knowing her baby was dead, three days before he was to deliver. Hoping beyond hope the doctors were wrong and knowing he was indeed dead. And so, we buried little Alex Gerard Colgan in the cold, cold ground last May. I've watched her struggle with life's unfairness ever since and feel totally helpless while watching my child suffer the loss of her child. I pray every day that I've given her enough strength to carry on to the better times.

After 24 years of good service, my husband was let go. Why? Because he was good at what he did and they rewarded him with raises. He made too much money. They didn't offer him the job at a lower pay because he was two years from retirement, which meant they would have to contribute towards his retirement until he died. This way, they cut their losses early and cut his heart and soul out. He sits. He plays solitaire on the computer, watches tv and listens to music. Once in a while he'll agree to do something around the house (which desperately needs a whole lot of somethings done) but for the most part he sits and his brain is turning to mush.

Did I say I was depressed? Perhaps I should rephrase that - I'm desperate and depressed. I cannot help my daughter, although occasionally I try by offering and ear or a hug. Only time will ease the pain and scab over the wound. The scar will remain for as long as she lives. Alex's existence will remain geneologically forever, unless someone completely destroys the lineage or the planet. Alex will forever remain the baby who lost his chance at life.

I've come up with a scheme, however, to get my husband thinking. It will take subtlety (where is spell checker when you need it?) and slyness, but I think it will work. Recently we put out the train set that I received as a gift from a friend. It's a Christmas display. Houses are lit and there is a pond - even Bethlehem with desert at one part of the oval. (big crashing sound outside indicates the huge icicles hanging off the gutters are melting and falling)The display is uneven and the train and cars fall off the track frequently. My big idea to distract my husband and hopefully getting him to think again is to propose a train display to actually fit our dining room table. One that is yearly appropriate. A display that can be designed (my husband was an electrical engineer) and slowly built. This display could actually take years. He has all the track and the train engines plus the cars. All he need do is design a display board and begin to build it. In my head I see mountains, waterfalls, a lake, farms, city life, little automobiles etc. etc. etc. Perhaps, out there in the world of commerce, there are actual kits to make buildings (I could provide the little stained glass windows for the buildings) which provides activity for his thought processes. I know it's my idea, my dream but with luck, I can make it his too.

My memory is bad because I'm trying to do too much. I have diabetes so could not get health insurance. Thus I have had to go to work full time. I hate it. I'm losing time with him, with my stained glass, with my family. I'm also trying to solve too many problems and running out of energy fast.

His memory is bad because he's not using it often enough. Perhaps, with this project, we can both dig out of the depression. I miss my conversations with him. I miss my time with him. Christmas has brought him out a bit and we've spent time shopping together (something he's hated in the past but actually tolerated this year). We've spent time playing Yahtzee together. We've done a bit of talking. But I hate the apartness when he's playing on the computer for four and five hours at a stretch or watching tv. He zones out and builds this impenatrable wall that shuts out the world. It's left me feeling alone. I married him because I love him and I don't want to be alone any more. More on those thoughts later....